The Island of Jersey has an incredible natural beauty, as do many places in the world. We have some clean parks and some of Europe’s best beaches. Our coastal areas are so diverse that they are quite breathtaking and the depth and difference of colours at sunset and sunrise throughout the year, are a pleasure to behold. One of my favourite things that seem to grow in Jersey is a rather rare tree. It has been spotted in a few other places, around city parks and on a good number of country roads throughout the UK and all over the rest of the world really. You may well have seen it, no two are the same, it is not a deciduous tree even though in winter, it very often has no leaves, and it has a rather unique smell, (why a perfumer has not yet bottled this scent I will never know. I want royalties if anyone succeeds in this) as you get closer, its incredible smell just envelops you and takes you to a far off land, a very far off land, one of stupendously poor sanitation and a land of such intrigue and wonder. The intrigue at how this thing has grown and the wonderment of why no-one wishes to acknowledge this divine beauty.

I am talking about the quite stunning: Arborem, Canis Stercore.  You haven’t heard of it?..  Sorry, the english translation is: Dog shit tree. It is quite common along the highways and byways of the world. There are many fine examples to be seen on the north coast of Jersey nearly everyday of the year. They really are a marvel as they seem to fruit all the year round… Honestly? What the…

Who the Cruft’s is doing this? Surely by now we all know it’s quite wrong to do this. This isn’t nicking a pint of milk on your way home, in the early hours of the morning, from a “Thirsty Thursday” drinking session, This is leaving actual shit, In. A. Tree.  What?!  It’s bad enough when dog owners leave Festering turds on pavements, paths and walkways, which only implies that the said owner of the beast is entirely incapable of looking after an animal, but to then go to the effort of picking up the dog toffee, putting in a poo bag, and then hanging the treat from a tree for others to admire is just negligence on an incomprehensible scale. Many of the areas that dogs get taken for walks have “poo-bins” at various points. Even for the areas that don’t, it’s no excuse to leave it behind. Lazy, just lazy. So how about we introduce a DNA database for all dogs. Dogs need licences, when a dog owner obtains a licence, this is when they should have the dog’s DNA recorded. This might not seem fair to many law abiding and caring dog owners but until the owners of all dogs learn and understand that leaving dog shit around is abhorrent, then I feel that nothing will change. As is so often the case, the few will spoil it for the many. I’m at a loss at to what else can be done to stop this vile habit. In the past, I have taken brightly coloured little cards out with me when walking that state: “Who ever has left dog shit behind is an utter cunt”. I don’t feel this is too harsh. I know that genuine situations occur where an owner has not seen their dog drop off a “canine conundrum” but this can not be the case for when these poo bags are left hanging on a twig in a bush… unless of course, dogs are a lot smarter than we think and have also evolved their paws to grip and evolved the articulation of their wrists to turn so as to facilitate the picking up of poo with a special bag. Maybe this is the dogs of the world plotting to destabilise humanity and make us fight amongst our selves until no human is left alive and leaving a pristine wasteland for the lovable pooches to defecate all over. No one will be left behind to say “bad boy”, dogs will left to roam free and hump any soft furnishings as they please. It’s so obvious now- a canine conspiracy. It’s not poor, ignorant, worthless scumbags that are doing this, No, it’s the dogs, the dogs I tells ya. We must rise up and fight against this doggy dystopia…  I might to sop watching you tube conspiracy vids me thinks?!

It could be the cats who are behind all of this…  no… sorry…    let’s just… not.

Be good to your dogs, be good to your humans-  pick up your poop or the world may be lost forever.

Changing Man