A few years back I realised that I might not be the most useful person in an emergency situation, and as I was also about to leave my job at the same time, I thought that having improved (any) first aid skills could help. I figured that it would be better to employ someone who might be able to save someone else’s life than to employ someone who can’t be trusted to use a light switch without seriously hurting themselves. So I decided to brush up on my first aid skills.

I found the course quite entertaining, three days of laughs and learning. Good times. What made me laugh quite a bit, were the scenarios that were played out for us to “practice” in.

“Imagine you have come to work and your work colleague is unconscious- what would you do?”

Well, firstly, I would give him a good kicking for “borrowing” my car the night before which meant I had to “borrow” somebody else’s car to get back from the pub… wanker.” Wrong answer apparently.

You get put through various situations that involve; minor cuts to severe bleeding, bumps and grazes to severe head trauma, minor scalding to full on chemical burns, to name just a few. Learning the procedure for The Recovery Position was quite fun as you have to pretend to be talking to someone who is supposedly unconscious but they can’t help but giggle at the odd situation of having a bunch of strangers ask you if you know your name or if you’re on any medication.

We had videos too, these were amazing. Clearly, all of the St John’s Ambulance annual fundraising returns go into these epic sagas of pain and misery. They were directed so well that Francis Ford Coppola would be weeping into his own Chardonnay. Such epic master pieces that Peter Jacksons “Lord of the Rings” would of looked like a minor Blue Peter episode. They were special. I’ll give you an example. Just imagine… if you will?..

There you are just sitting at your office desk, for some reason, you don’t have a computer, no-one has, and you are all sitting side by side, very much as if you were at the Last Supper (who orders a table that only sits everyone on one side anyway?). You only have a note pad and you’re sitting annoyingly close to a wall, your colleagues might not like you very much as they all seem to be sitting slightly further away from you than anyone else. Not only that but they’re not talking to you either, probably because you’re just pretending to write, it’s almost as if, somehow, they know that something bad might happen but it’s only going to happen to you and they are just waiting for that moment to come, and then they can all turn in shock and surprise. Nothing yet? Nope. The camera is just panning out a little bit more and then… BAM!… A fork lift trucks forks just come smashing through the wall,..  oh no,…  you were sitting annoyingly close to the wall and now you’ve been turned into a real live, tie wearing, sheesh kabab. It’s gone through your spine, but you don’t seem to be bleeding very much, or at all. Anyway, even though it seems like you’re in some serious shit, don’t panic, I’ve just completed my three day course with the St John’s Ambulance and I happen to have just been trained for this exact scenario. Stop your crying about where the hell the forklift actually came from as your office is situated on the fifth floor and start being positive. Im practically a qualified neurosurgeon don’t you know.

The situation is ridiculous and entirely unworkable. How are you supposed to practice this farcical role play scenario? You can’t. So it got me thinking… What the St. Johns Ambulance service need is real situations to work on, real emergencies to practice with. This would also work for any emergency services that are genuinely working for the people for the betterment of society. So here’s my idea, it can only be popular. Ok.. No-one likes “child abusers” of any sort. We have all heard about scumbag, negligent shitbags that have given birth to children that they unable to care for let alone looking after themselves and so they act out their frustrations on these poor children. Look at the “Baby P” case. The people that perpetrated these vile crimes should have the full strong arm of the law meted out upon them. Pedophiles, predators and possibly even the Catholic priesthood need to be dealt with in such a way that society sees fit. These bastards are a pure abomination to any good and sound society. What can we do with them then? Medical experimentation maybe? Instead of being tested on animals that obviously have more sentience than this disgusting strain of “humanity”.

Lets give these fucktards an opportunity to “give something back” to society. As soon as these “people” get sentenced for what ever crimes they have been convicted for, we can say to them,

“Mr Saville, Glitter, Heath, whomever… etc… etc. you have a chance to give a little back to society, maybe even reduce your sentence (we won’t reduce the sentence but these cunts will claw at anything to make themselves feel human again), we can offer you a lottery style draw. You will be assisting the men and woman of the world with your choice. You can pick a number from 1 to 100 and the number you pick will have a scenario allocated to it. No.14 maybe that you only get knocked over in the street as an “upstanding member of society” who is all suited and booted leaves a Starbucks on their way to a “very important meeting” and we will have someone to attend your wounds what ever they may be. I could be a mild concussion to a possible scalding as you have just facilitated spilling their overpriced “skinny latte” on to your face? No.27 could be that you’ve been working off of a thirty foot ladder cleaning the gutters of an incredibly poorly funded children’s home and you end up with a shattered pelvis and a broken neck, you might get lucky and get away with only a graze? No.46 could be that you are lighting up your favourite cigar and a rogue spark lands on your shellsuit and it immediately shrink wraps to your body and you will spend thirty six hours being cut out of your melted polyester casket to then be permanently disfigured for life with maybe the word “pedo” branded on your face? No.53, Who’s up for a high powered electrical saw accidentally pulling all the skin off of your arm in one amazing go? No.81,How about, you’re feeding your cat and someone repeatedly smashes a sledgehammer in you face seven times? What about you Gary?… do you want to be in my gang of fork lift victims? A mild dose of heavy machinery through the spine? No.42 How to deal with a spool of wire wool fed through your lower intestinal tract and allowed to rust over the period of two months thus allowing a better understanding of what might be required from future tetanus jabs? No.64 Dealing with severe splinters in the eye from a rather aggressive late night chip shop fracas?

Think of the benefits of learning from a real live, realtime situation. Surely if you’re disgraceful enough to commit such crimes against people that have trusted you, you could just as well commit your self to the benefitting of the rest of mankind after destroying so many other innocent lives?

This has to work better than just pretending to bandage someones prosthetic wound as they giggle at your rather poor attempts of altruism. No one needs to know that the victims are the “worst of the worst” (ok, as this becomes more popular we will all know that these evil shitlords have been drafted in, but, hey, fuck it, what’s a quick biro up the nostrils among friends?) Lets all help train everyone in society to deal with real life situations.

I know some of these scenarios seem unlikely but I never thought I would grow up in a world where people who abuse and sexually abuse children would get less of a sentence than people who may have sold drugs. Considering that two of the worlds most dangerous drugs are sold legally and one of them is still widely advertised throughout the modern world, i think I’m entitled to my lowly opinion. This is just an idea that I think, migh,t just about be workable.

This policy will work. How could it fail?!

Im just an everyday changing man