With the onset of spring comes a myriad of beauty as the the hedgerows burst through with new life. Trees develop new foliage and and all manner of creatures start shagging profusely as the weather becomes warmer. The days are getting longer and we all try to forget the cold days that seem to have lingered for far too long. As summer approaches we can all expect a lot more skin to be shown off and all of those winter tattoos will get their first airing. Everyone is keen to show off their new plumage. One of the best things about spring and a consequence of all that post winter fornication is how many cute fluffy ducklings that seem to appear… so cute. Ducks are an odd species of animal, webbed feet, waterproof but covered in feathers and a bill to cap it all off. They are no more odd than people trying to fit into ill fitting clothing that they were mis-sold in some nonsense sale, but they are odd enough. quacking, no arms and a predisposition to rape. It’s one of the things that humans, dolphins and ducks have in common (rape, I mean, Dolphins and humans don’t quack). Anyway, ducks are odd.

We recently moved to a house in the countryside where, we were told, there would be ducks arriving in spring, they return every year to rear their young and we were told that you can feed them as they like to try to come into the kitchen. “great” I thought, “I Love ducks”.  We have three ducks (in so much as they come to our house to eat lots of food and they can never be truly considered “our” ducks as they are just wild ducks) After a few weeks of feeding ‘Lucy, Cherry and Eaty’, (I didn’t name them) were fortunate enough to have their first batch of very cute ducklings, these belong to Lucy,  Twelve to be precise. Four days later we had only five left. Two more days and we were down to two. Another 24 hours pass and we have nothing left. Gutted. Never mind, it’s just the “circle of life” and all that shite. A few days pass and “Eaty” has her own batch of eleven. She is in and out of the pond and things are looking good… but not really… These ducklings seem to be getting picked off faster than any member of staff with an opposing view that might be employed President Trump. Three days later and the whole raft of desperately fluffy ducklings have been annihilated. By now I’m really intrigued as to what is happening. There has to be a reason right? Birds of prey? Seagulls? It must be the Gulls, we’ve all seen what those bastards can do to a portion of chips whilst still in the hand of an innocent potato connoisseur meandering along the seafront. What about cats? Taking into consideration what our cat has managed to catch in the past, (lizards, pigeons, pheasants, squirrels) there is a good chance that this furry feline fucker-upper of all things living certainly has something to do with it? Right?

After spending some time researching and chatting with the landlord, I had to get all “Attenborough” on the situation and chase these things around and to be honest I came to quite a quick conclusion… Ducks are just the worst parents. I mean, really bad. The wilful neglect shown by them towards their young is mind bending and totally astonishing. You would think that as the mother duck leads the future flock of birds along a path, that it might look back to check to see if any of its offspring have fallen by the wayside, not this mother ducker. How many fucks for ducks does she give? Probably just as many fucks as Tony Blair gave when he invaded a sovereign country on complete lies. No quacks given here. How on earth have these birds evolved let alone survived? It reminds me of those human mothers and for that matter, fathers, that show complete compartmentalisation when it comes to their own young, especially during pregnancy. I’m talking about those people you meet and all they go on about is how “you are not healthy enough, in spirit and in mind” “you are what you eat”. Shut up. These same people will try and project this idea of health and well-being whilst still believing that smoking and drinking during pregnancy has no adverse effect on their future children. It is wrong and there are many case studies to back this idea up. How can they stand on a public platform deriding others whilst consuming everything thing under the sun because “I don’t adhere to the system”, really? you will when your undernourished drug addicted child needs free health care that you can’t afford due to the amount of crap you’re pumping in to your body. I need to calm down…

Having observed our third batch of ducklings drop from ten of them to five in less than twelve ours, I had to rescue the remaining five. I take it upon my self to construct a home for the wilfully neglected out of some old tea chests. At about half past midnight, I can hear a commotion outside… It’s them, the ducks… I go to investigate, and sure enough, the little bastards are having a pool party. I turn in to 50’s dad… “do you have any idea what time it is?” …  …. obviously not as they are just ducks and I’m sure they have never understood or even considered the concept of human time. Why would they? Exactly, they wouldn’t…  Anyway, I manage to catch the ballsy, billed bastards and make sure they are safe for the night. I check the oracle of Google for some sound advise. The wife did pass this info onto me so that saved me a lot of time.

It occurred to me that humans and ducks have a lot in common. Both are terrible parents, both, actively, sexually assault, including in gangs, both swear… (next time you hear a duck quack just think of the word “fuck” trust me, it fits perfect) and the only thing that isn’t similar is that, as far as I can tell, ducks don’t do drugs… not in public anyway. Although it might explain the level of cognitive dissonance shown by the odd looking birds. I’m not sure if I’m talking about humans or ducks now…

Maybe, in evolutionary terms, ducks have come to the end of their time. There is no need for such incompetent parents any more as we humans have superseded them and we are now on top of the uselessly ignorant ladder, we’ve made it. Best at guns, best at bombs, best at Big-macs and best at being woefully awful parents. Sorry ducks – you’re odd and we’ve got God. Yay for us. God doesn’t care about you anymore, he’s got us… Ducks 2.0 (Humans) I haven’t met a duck yet, that feeds their chicks Cheeto’s for breakfast. I haven’t met a duck that is convinced that their duckling won’t eat its breakfast without an iPad to watch. I haven’t met a duck that thinks smoking in their car with the kids is “OK as they are young and their lungs will recover quicker”  (I genuinely heard someone say this to me once)… To be fair, I haven’t met a duck that can drive but lets not get too pedantic here. If you are a duck that can drive and you happen to be reading this on your smartphone(?!) and you happen to be part of a Facebook lifts group, can you do a lift at 2AM for three people? thanks.

Parenting is obviously quite tough. No one really knows what the consequences of their decisions may be but no matter how you look at it, surely, we should all try a little bit harder to be better beings… I love spring.   quack yeah!

Changing man